The following has nothing to do with my science fiction/fantasy book series. Just some thoughts on a sport that I love and respect. WARNING–there’s a bit of foul language.

Ronda Rousey

–Note, the following interview occurred only in the imagination of the blogger … Ronda Rousey is becoming a force in the world of women’s MMA, not just because of her amazing skills in the cage, but also because of her bold personality and ribald, unpredictable wit. Her material just sort of writes itself and she is destined to become the Muhammad Ali of women’s MMA for her ability to bang out quips and one-liners and self-promote a fight.

TOTEH: So Ronda, we appreciate the opportunity to sit down and speak to you today.

RR:

TOTEH: In your last outing, you beat Sarah Kaufman in just under a minute of the first round via armbar. What can you tell us about that fight?

RR: No, no, I beat Sarah Kaufman in about ten seconds, really. I bull-rushed her, knocked her down using some judo stuff that I know and then she spent the rest of the fight trying to avoid the inevitable. I snapped her arm off like a twig–you saw it. She was all patriotic before the fight, saying the belt was going with her back to Canada. Looks to me like the belt’s staying right here in the US. I’m amazed maple syrup didn’t come gushing out when I broke her arm off. How’s that for promoting US-Canadian relations??

TOTEH: You’ve won pretty much every fight you’ve ever been in, either amateur or pro, by way of armbar. Your critics call you one-dimensional–that’s not me talking, I’m just saying. What’s your take on that?

Anna Maria Rousey DeMarrs

RR: My take? Yeah, I’ve got a hot armbar, and when somebody can figure out how to beat it, I’ll move on to something else. Look, Plan A of every fight is to land the armbar. Want to know what Plan B is?? Do you? Plan B is: Repeat Plan A. I used to wake up as a kid with my teddy bear and footie pajamas and have my mom all over me, rolled up in the armbar position. “Get out of it, you little milk-drinking punk!” Mom would shout. “Get out of it!”, and eventually I did.

TOTEH: Your Mother is Dr. Anna Maria Rousey DeMarrs, a very famous judoka of the `70’s and `80’s.

RR: Damn right. The only chick out there tough enough to beat me is my mom, and I don’t think you’ll be seeing her stepping into the cage anytime soon.

Miesha Tate

TOTEH: Let’s move on. Miesha Tate

RR: Oh, f— that bitch! No–take that back, I wouldn’t f— that bitch if I was a guy, see? Did you see that scene while I was kicking Sarah Kaufman’s ass? She was sitting there eating a cupcake or something, and got frosting in that stupid hair-doo of hers. See, I frighten her so much, she can’t even eat a cupcake in my presence without embarrassing herself. So me and Kaufman are rolling around and I’m like: “Why don’t you take that forked tongue of yours and lick that frosting off of there, bitch, I mean Miesha!” Ha! Miesha Tate … Thanks to me, we all know what the inside of her arm looks like.

TOTEH: But, she …

RR: Next question, she’s old news and out of the picture. F— her. Did you see her almost lose to the dried up Earthly remains of Julie Kedzie in the under, under, under card that night? Heck, I could help Julie Kedzie cross the street and she’d end up with a broken arm and a busted hip. Julie Kedzie needs to apply for AARP or for one of those scooters old ladies rumble down the sidewalk on. Time to retire, Julie! You know what Tate’s trying to do, right? She’s trying to create some sort of cross-association linking her name to my name to get her places, sort of like Tonto and the Lone Ranger, Bigfoot and Wildboy, Batman and Robin. She’s like the ghost of some nameless person whose ass you’ve kicked and wants to haunt you forever. Let “Cupcake Girl” win some fights against non-senior citizens and eat some cupcakes without getting it in her hair and we’ll see. I’ll add her other arm to my collection.

Cris Cyborg

TOTEH: Cristiane “Cyborg” Santos is considered one of the most dangerous females ever to step into the cage. Her doping suspension is up soon, and she has stated that she wants you to come on up to her weight level and fight. Looks like she wants her belt back. What do you say to that?”

RR: What do I say?? I say there’s two types out there, there’s the “Champ,” and then there are all the “Chumps”. If you’re not the Champ, then you’re a Chump. I don’t see a belt around her waist, and therefore she’s a big, sorry-looking Chump from Brazil. Maybe there’s a problem with the Portuguese to English translation, but the Champ does not come up to the Chump’s weight class. No, no, if the Chump wants to fight, then she’s going to have to put down the `roids and the creams and the clears and come on down to where I am and we’ll fight. I wonder, when I rip her skinny, cut-weight Chump arm off, if it’ll wiggle around on the mat and do a little Chump Samba for me. What do you think?

Michael Phelps

TOTEH: I think that would be something to see. You were recently critical of former Olympic teammate Michael Phelps for being a “Diva“. Can you expand upon that?

RR: What’s to expand? He was a big guy around the Olympic village in Beijing–didn’t hang out, didn’t participate in stuff with everybody else, played by a different set of rules. Sounds like a Diva to me. Sounds like he ought to be dating Miesha Tate and they can hang out and be Divas together. I hung out. I made friends. Oh, by the way, he’d last about as long as Sarah Kaufman did against me.

TOTEH: Well, he’s not an MMA guy, he’s a swimmer. I don’t think he knows judo.

RR: I don’t know judo either, I just rip arms off. If he’d like to swim, we’ll swim. I’ll jump into that pool and armbar it into submission in world record time.

TOTEH: Well, er …

RR: You know, sometimes when I’m working out and I get a real sweat going, I think I can see through time. You know what I see there at the end of time?

TOTEH: What?

RR: I see a big arm there, ripe and sweaty, just waiting for me to grab hold and hyper-extend it.

TOETH: Miesha Tate’s arm?

RR: Oh, hell no–she wishes. She’s at minute 14 1/2 of her 15 and we’re moving on without her. Nope, it’s just an arm, and one of these days I’m going to reach out and it’s going to tap.

RG

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Relentless Ronda Rousey

March 6, 2012

NOTE–This blog post has nothing to do with my series of science fiction/fantasy books. This is just something that popped into my head.

Ronda Rousey

I admit it, I bought into Ronda Rousey’s game.

All the talk.

All the hyperbole and vitriol.

Her flippant rapport. Her sass.

Such theatrics caused me to overlook just how magnificent Ronda Rousey is in the cage, her skill and her champion’s heart. It’s like watching the Venus de Milo grow a pair of arms, get in the cage and fight.

I needled her prior to her much-hyped championship match with Miesha “Take Down” Tate. Given her past record, both amateur and pro, it wasn’t really a mystery what Ronda Rousey was going to do: Arm Bar. All day, all night.

“So Ronda,” I chortled, “when Plan A fails for ya’, what are you gonna’ do next?”

Huh, huh? What are you going to do?? What’s Plan B??

Apparently, the answer to that question is: PLAN B: “If Plan A fails, repeat Plan A.”
Repeat, over and over.

I figured that all those quick arm bar victories were won at the expense of some partially trained 0-record girls living out their boyfriend’s dreams by getting into the cage. I figured there was no way she was going to do to Miesha Tate what she did so easily before.

However, I figured wrong. The match with Miesha Tate was, without question, the most tension-filled and dramatic MMA bout I’ve ever seen. A good MMA fight isn’t necessarily a lot of blood and gore–it’s a chess match, move and counter move. From the opening bell, Ronda Rousey attacked, applied pressure and maneuvered Miesha Tate into position to apply her nuclear weapon: the arm bar. It really wasn’t a surprise. Everybody in the arena, including Miesha Tate, knew exactly what she was going to be up to, and when “Take Down” Tate escaped from the first arm-bar attempt and took Ronda Rousey’s back, I rose to my feet and cheered–“That’s it, babe! Game Over! You’re done!” I assumed that was it for Ronda Rousey, her fabled nuclear weapon quashed, I thought Miesha Tate was going to pound her to death … and I couldn’t wait for it.

I sat back, waiting for the carnage to unfold.

However, I learned (as Miesha Tate learned) that although Ronda Rousey has but one tool in the proverbial woodshed, that tool is so utterly sharp and deadly that, were it to fall to earth, it would continue on through the core of the planet and come out again in China and wreak havoc there.

There was no stopping Ronda Rousey. Attack, attack, go to the ground, step over, grab the arm, pull, pull! She’s massive and dense enough to absorb punishment, yet agile and light on her feet, elusive on the ground and always looking to apply the arm bar and lock it in.

Yep, Miesha, you left one arm in Columbus, Ohio

And I watched the inevitable happen. The answer to the question “How is “Take Down” Tate going to counter Ronda Rousey’s arm bar?” is “She isn’t. She’ll step into the cage with two arms, and walk out with one.”

The other amazing thing about Ronda Rousey is her use of judo. In comparison to some of the more “in-fashion” martial arts like Brazilian ju-jitsu, judo seems rather dated and quaint. However, in the hands of an Olympic bronze medalist, judo is in fact quite dangerous. Throughout the fight, Ronda Rousey was able to take Miesha Tate off her feet at will, throwing her down into a place that she rules. Add it all together, the size, the density, the agility on the ground and an infallible go-to weapon, I don’t think we’ll be seeing a new bantam weight champion anytime soon.

After the fight, a match with Canadian contender Sarah Kaufman was brought up. Sarah Kaufman, her face marked up and puffy from an earlier fist-flying encounter with Alexis Davis, eagerly accepted the fight.

Hope you don’t mind losing an arm, Sarah.

Bowl Naked

RG